It's a Hard Time.

Motivation is not something I possess. I don't know if it's because it's so cold and gross outside, or if it's just the time of year.

For the last three years, I've spent the entire second half of January mourning the loss of our unborn son, and today, 01.21.11 is the 3 year anniversary of us getting the news that our son, who the visit before had a heart rate of 156 on the ultrasound image was no longer developing and his heart had stopped. Naturally, I felt like my entire world had come crashing down and my heart had just been ripped apart from the inside. Normally, I don't eat much and I sleep enough for 10 people. This year has been different. I have been trying to fill the void with junk food, and haven't slept much in days. The sleep loss is mostly related to having a not-quite 4 month old in the house who has random sleep patterns. He'll sleep all night for 3 or 4 days and then for a week, he'll be up every 30 minutes scratching his face. It's very unpleasant, but not as unpleasant as I am during the day. I've been cranky and moody and just downright miserable. Don't get me wrong, I love my son (and the rest of my family) dearly, but I am one of those people who has to deal with things a certain way, and I have not been able to do so. My days just drag on and on.

I keep trying to find something to throw myself into, wishing it could be exercise, but all I have time for anymore are the kids. I try to focus on the positive every day, because dwelling on the negatives just brings me down further into a rut. I have a loving husband who I love with all of my heart and who I hate with all of my heart. We fight and we argue but we love each other with every fiber of our being and at the end of the day, when the kids are both sleeping, he kisses me goodnight and wraps his arms around me, I once again feel at peace with the world.

I have a gorgeous daughter who is my entire world, who looks so much like me that it's scary and who kept me on the right path when I felt as if I was going down the wrong way. She is the brightness when I'm feeling the darkest, and she drives me insane. I would take her tantrums, her backsass and her attitude before I'd change a thing about her.

Then, there's my son. The little man who has my heart wrapped around every tiny finger. My miracle baby who I could have lost in a heart beat had I not followed my intuition. The little tiny soul who needs me more than anyone else, because I'm the momma. The one who holds my thumb when he's eating his bottle, and the one who screams at 3am because he's hungry. He screams and it makes me sit up and run to his side faster than a smoke alarm, but then he smiles that amazing gummy smile at me and I know all is right again.

I am so SO lucky for these three people in my life, and though times are tough, I wouldn't change a thing. I love my husband and children dearly, and I believe I have been truly blessed to have them to call my own. I know they love me, too, just as I am, no matter how long my hair is, whether or not I am wearing make up or what size clothes I wear.

I just need to keep a focus on the positives in my life and keep smiling. This too shall pass.